10. Dentist! (Little Shop of Horrors)
In the last entry, I talked at length about how deliciously nasty The Hell of It is, but lamented the lack of a visual component. I don't just want to hear a villain wax lyrical about their cruelty, I need to see it too. Enter Dentist!, a truly wicked ode to legal torture from a character who's not even the main villain of the film. It's funny, because although Little Shop of Horrors is so centered around Seymour, Audrey and Audrey II, it's Steve Martin's relatively secondary dentist that steals the show for me. Not only is he Audrey's shithead boyfriend, he's also just massively sadistic, and if Martin was having fun in this cartoonishly evil role before, then I don't even have words for what happens when he starts singing. The bouncy doo-wop music, the deliciously vile delivery and the literal torture he's doling out on his patients make for a number that, horrible as it is, brings so much style and fun to the table that it just makes the whole movie
And I guess it kind of sums up one thing I love about musicals. Dentist! takes something so grim and horrible and gives it a liberal splash of Broadway, turning a sinister subject matter and making it so fabulously wicked. It is a horror musical after all. Over the course of this list, I've talked about villain songs and songs with more twisted undertones, but I don't think there's many that can match how utterly demented this song, and the larger character of Orin Scrivello, truly is. It's fun, it's catchy, and it's deeply fucked up. Welcome to the top 10, folks!
9. Pure Imagination (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Wait, Pure Imagination's only at number nine? Well ain't that a kick in the snozzberries. In all seriousness, I love this film, and it's kind of impossible to dispute the pure power of this song in and out of context. Much as I like how Tim Burton's remake provides a revisionist take on musical numbers, there really is something about the first adaptation's soundtrack that really can't be beat. Call it nostalgia or a fear of change, but I really think they nailed it first time out. There's a buffet of bangers to choose from on this soundtrack-I'm even quite partial to the notorious Cheer Up Charlie- but as soon as I hear the opening notes of Pure Imagination, the decision is already kind of made. From the literal eye candy of the set design to the quiet chaos of Gene Wilder's performance and the quietly heartfelt lyrics, it really is just irresistible
So maybe it is the safest choice on this list, but it really just exemplifies why Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is such a perfect film that encapsulates everything that is great and awful about being a child. Before Wonka goes all Jigsaw and punishes the worst traits of youth, he opens the journey with this poignant ode to childlike wonder. That's a theme that comes up time and time again in this film, and is kind of the whole point of Grandpa Joe's character. Pure Imagination is a beautiful little number that tells kids that, as long as they have the power to dream, the possibilities are endless, and they can do just about anything. Like bring a group of unsuspecting children down a scary hell tunnel or drop a little girl into a furnace
8. Step in Time (Mary Poppins)
Picking a song from the Mary Poppins duology was... challenging. I mean there's a lot of them, and the level of both variety and brilliance is strong across the board. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is the iconic pick, Feed the Birds is beautiful and Let's Go Fly a Kite is lovely, and Returns is no slouch either with cuts like Trip a Little Light Fantastic and The Place Where the Lost Things Go, but a choice had to be made, and purely on the basis of the number that gives me the most consistent joy, it's hard to beat Step in Time. Chimneysweeps! Dancing! Dick van Dyke's legendarily awful Cockney accent! Mary Poppins is, at its heart, a celebration of the joyful things in life, and although there's no shortage of tunes that bring the cheer factor, there are few numbers in either film that are uniquely bouncy and catchy as Step in Time
The cross-roof choreography is amazing of course, birthing the subtle art of chimneysweep gymnastics in a way that few films can rival. On top of that, Mary Poppins gets in on the action and even then it's not even anywhere close to reaching peak joy as the 'sweeps dance through the Banks household, chanting their support for the suffragettes and boisterously welcoming Mr. Banks home. It is infectiously happy in a way that only Mary Poppins can deliver, and although pretty much every song in the film matches it for Sherman Brothers goodness, none of them can put a smile on my face quite like this one
7. Ain't There Anyone Here For Love (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)
Oh Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, why don't people talk about you more? When you think of this film's musical numbers, you might go straight for Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend and that's okay. It's a wonderful, iconic sequence that uses Marilyn Monroe's indelible star power to incredible effect. But I've mentioned before that I adore Jane Russell in this film, and so it's her glorious, innuendo-laden anthem that takes 7th place on this list. It's bouncy, upbeat and loaded with some tack-sharp quips as Russell's Dorothy Shaw outlines her ideal man and brings a team of Olympic athletes along for the ride, I think a lot of what I've said about other songs can be applied to this one, and if you're starting to notice my fondness for fun, energetic numbers packed with gags, then you're not wrong, but to be fair, none of the others have Jane Russell's innocently filthy badminton metaphors
And I think that's what makes it work. There's a cheekiness to Ain't There Anyone Here For Love that really makes it pop, and Russell sells the witty frothiness of the whole thing perfectly. I love the way she owns the screen, using the training Olympians as human props and making a meal of all of her vocal deliveries. The set design and staging is relatively simple but with a performer like Jane Russell at the centre, it never really needed to be flashy or intricate. The genius of the film is how well it balances the screwball comedy and the musical numbers, never switching between them so much as seamlessly blending them, and this song is absolute proof of that. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but at the end of the day, I know what gym I'm training in
6. Human Voice (Anna and the Apocalypse)
If I'm being honest, part of me devised this list as a roundabout excuse to talk about Anna and the Apocalypse, the Scottish zombie Christmas musical that is every bit as good as that combination of words would imply. It's got a fairly formidable soundtrack, and although I was spoiled for choice, the decision ultimately worked out to be pretty easy. Human Voice is the song that I think transforms Anna and the Apocalypse, where the genre-blend goes from novel to having a real impact and the film goes from good to great. Because yes, the film has so much fun with it's festive toetapping blooshed, and numbers like Hollywood Ending and Turning My Life Around are absolute showstoppers, but as the survivors find themselves separated from their loved ones and totally cut off by destroyed phone lines, the film hits a note of striking poignancy
Okay so the commentary is a little on the nose but in context, that's kind of secondary. Yeah the song is kind of about our reliance on technology and total vulnerability if that was stripped away, but what makes Human voice work is the moment of of total openness it lends these characters. This is a crisis, and in this moment of quiet reflection, they're all desperately seeking some kind of comfort. No jokes, no ironic genre-riffing, just a surprising moment of gravity that hits hard because it nearly comes out of nowhere. Add smart lyrics, incredible performances by the whole cast and a sense of genuine despair and you have a real musical kick in the teeth
Seriously though, if you haven't seen Anna and the Apocalypse, do your yourself a favour and take the plunge, It is incredible
5. I Only Have Eyes For You (Dames)
This list was difficult to compile for a number of reasons. Part of this came from the sheer volume of musical numbers in films, but the main thing that really struck me when I put this together is how many ways there are for a musical number to succeed. Some of these songs made the grade for their music, lyrics and general performance, but if you're familiar with Busby Berkley, you'll know exactly why I Only Have Eyes For You is on this list. Because sure, the actual song is a little on the simple side, and from a purely musical level, it's really nothing special. But as we move into the top 5, I'm really looking for the kind of scenes that deliver huge amounts of euphoria. The best of the best, the cream of the crop, the musical numbers that are truly individual. And oh my god is this pure visual overload. Berkley is kind of the master when it comes to intricate choreography, to the point where they were the only scenes he directed in the films he worked on but this is on another level altogether
Basically, an impossible huge number of dancers create an intricate routine involving lots and lots of pictures of Ruby Keeler's face, before creating a giant picture of Ruby Keeler's face made out of women who kind of look like Ruby Keeler, but the Keeler overload pays off big time. In between these moments of facial intricacy is a dance routine that can only be described as satisfyingly geometric. Big wheels full of singing women! Stairways to nowhere! Mirror trickery! And then there's the transition to an army of dancers in huge dresses who flip their skirts to form the aforementioned giant portrait of the film's female lead. There is something slightly depressing about Busby Berkley in that nothing on this level would even be attempted now but watching a sequence so gorgeously complicated play out so elegantly is more than enough to remember this golden age of musical intricacy by
4. Good Morning (Singin' in the Rain)
So you're Don Lockwood. Your grand transition to the world of talkies, The Dueling Cavalier, has blown up in your face, leaving you dejected and lost in the middle of the night. But wait! What's this? The morning has come, and a new day has risen, both literally and metaphorically. Singin' in the Rain is one of the greatest films of all time, and certainly one of my favourites, but picking a number to represent it on this list was kind of a no-brainer. I just love how Lockwood and co. find joy after such a low moment, and it's that lovely, cheerful hangout vibe that makes Good Morning so utterly irresistible. It's a shot of pure glee, but what separates it from similarly joyful musical numbers, at least for me, is how much emphasis in places on the importance of finding happiness in misfortune. It's not just a uplifting song, but one that is explicitly about picking yourself up after a mishap and appreciating the start of a new day
I love this one for a few reasons but I think the key to what makes it work is the dancing. That sounds obvious given the general vibe of Singin' in the Rain and the Gene Kelly-ness of it all but it's crucial to making this scene feel like a celebration. Dancing plays a role in all of the film's numbers- giving levity to Make 'Em Laugh, playfulness to Moses Supposes and carrying the entire plot of Broadway Melody- but it feels especially crucial here. Don, Kathy and Cosmo are just so happy in each other's company that they literally can't stay still and choose to dance their problems away rather than dwell on something that can't be changed. I'm also aware that this song wasn't written for the film and actually comes from 1939's Babes in Arms, but I prefer this version, so that's why it's on here. It's just pure, pure joy, a perfect song from a perfect film
3. America (West Side Story)
I said up top that this isn't a list of the most iconic musical numbers, but it was kind of impossible to avoid talking about America at some point. And hey, being famous is no bad thing, and taking a look at this scene in depth, it's not hard to see why it's so beloved. Rita Moreno obviously delivers one of the greatest performances in any film, so bombastic and electric and full of both heart and sly humour. As her Anita convinces Bernard that emigrating to America was the best decision they ever made, he retorts with a series of comebacks that still hold weight 60 years later. Although she's the focal point of the number and passionately pro-America, the real genius of this song is how Anita's perspective is juxtaposed against Bernard's to create a really cutting social comment. Add to that the bouncy Latin percussion and a rhythm that borders on being a guajira, and you've got a seriously punchy musical number
Sondheim's lyrics are the absolute key here, so sharp and sly and powerfully delivered. "Life is alright in America if you're all white in America" is an incredibly effective dig that hits harder now than ever. And that's the beauty of America, and West Side Story as a whole: it's a story that never goes away, and in updating Romeo and Juliet, Ernest Lehman has given the Bard's romance a fresh lick of impossibly relevant paint. America is a great song in an incredible film, and even on top of everything it nails thematically, it's just a really fun sequence. The back-and-forth is playful and fun, the dancing creates such an effortless sense of joy and the music is just irresistibly catchy. What more is there to say? It's West Side Story, it's Steven Sondheim, and it's Rita Moreno
2. Puzzlin' Evidence (True Stories)
Did you know that in 1986, David Byrne made a musical entirely composed of Talking Heads songs, and it's awesome? True Stories is a bit of an oddity, but is utterly glorious all the same. Following Byrne as a sort of wanderer figure arriving in a small town celebrating its 150th anniversary, the beauty of True Stories' numbers lie in their baffling mundanity, ranging from a beautiful rendition of Dream Operator at a mall-set fashion show to a group of kids using makeshift instruments to bang out Papa Legba. But the best, at least in my opinion, is Puzzlin' Evidence, where a wild-eyed preacher spits conspiracy theories on his hapless flock as a yellow-clad choir backs him up with euphoric chanting. It's totally off-kilter and I love every minute of it
Sure it's not most sophisticated or well-choreographed number in the world, but the sheer energy of it, the wild riffs on the Church of the SubGenius and the delightfully bonkers performance of John Ingle is absolutely what makes this such a standout. True Stories is hardly an orthodox entry in the genre but the beauty of Talking Heads has always been that wild experimentation, being able to do something different without calling too much attention to it. There's no slick self-awareness or attempts to mark itself as an innovation, just pure crazy coolness that bounds out of Byrne's brain and hits you straight in the soul, rewriting the very idea of the screen musical in the process. And that's the gospel truth
1. Think Pink (Funny Face)
It's slightly ironic that the best song in Funny Face- a film that acts as a monument to the star power of Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn- doesn't actually feature either of the two leads, but it's hard for me to think of any opening number that sets the scene better than Think Pink. It's just perfect on every level. It's essentially a sly joke about the fashion industry and the way they create trends, using carefully placed suggestions to guide the consumer toward their brand. Even so, there's nothing malicious at work in Think Pink, which even when it is making a comment feels incredibly good natured. Like many of my favourites, there's a lightness and a sense of joy, but this one in particular feels totally tethered to one idea. The theme of "it", the elusive, perfect trait that the fashion industry tries to bottle and sell, is something that's kind of central to Funny Face, and right from the start, the film hits us with a song that feels thematically true before it has time to even set up its plot
The song itself is ace too, with a tight rhyme structure and a bouncy instrumental that keeps things light and breezy. It's an effective tonesetter that stuns even when it's viewed in isolation. I mean, this is how you start a musical, easing the audience into the film's style while also giving the indelible Stanley Donen room to flex his muscles. At this point he had already set the screen alight with impeccable direction in films like On the Town and Singin' in the Rain, but Funny Face is the film that I think really highlights his mission statement in terms of bringing musicals to the screen in a uniquely cinematic way. He makes use of every trick and tool that the medium gives him, from split-screen and jump cuts to animation and intricate staging. It also helps that it's in beautiful technicolor, perfectly establishing the style he'd later perfect in films like Charade
It just ticks all of the boxes. There's obviously no set of criteria for what a musical number should be. One thing I wanted this list to be was a celebration of the genre and the glorious variety it brings with it, but Think Pink is just the perfect scene for me, one that takes every aspect of musical cinema and perfects everything it tries to do. I wouldn't presume to tell my readers what to think, but if you have to think, think Think Pink. I've been the Scoundrel of the Screen, and I do hope you join me for my next list. Word of warning though: it might get weird
